We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
