Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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