Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
