i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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