Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
