My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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