Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
