Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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