I think i sorta joined a cult last night
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
