I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
