There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
