just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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