I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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