Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
