No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
