I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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