You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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