So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
