my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
