Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
