Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize