I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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