he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
