He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
