I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
