im six kinds of drunk right now
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
