Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
