nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
