we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
