I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Houston, we have a blender
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
