did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize