My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize