Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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