I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
