im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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