Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
