I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
