I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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