I just cut my nipple shaving
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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