Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
