It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
