What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
