I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
