I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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