So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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