So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
