Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
