i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
