i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
