Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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