Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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