I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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