thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
