her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
