Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
